he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
