So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
