it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
