I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
