bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
