hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Girls should come with a carfax report
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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