Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
