Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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