You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
