Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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