Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You may now shotgun with the bride
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
