sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
