somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Bring me that man meat
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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