Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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