I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
