i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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