Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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