To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
