My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
