What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
