So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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