We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
