I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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