My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
