It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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