she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
