hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
