who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Do you still have your period?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
