i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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