Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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