i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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