WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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