How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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