i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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