***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
