I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
