The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
