dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
