I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
