In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
