drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
