i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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