my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
not ubering you a puppy
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
