i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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