apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
