How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
