I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
