So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
