Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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