She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
