You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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