Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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