im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
