I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
