i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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