I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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