dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
