White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
