i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There's always time for handjobs
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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