dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
