I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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