I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
