Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
